Lessons I Learned from My Abuser (A book Excerpt)
They are often the weaker one. See his insecurities were so outlandish that he could not stand the possibility of me being out of his sight which could give another man the opportunity to show me how a man was supposed to treat a woman. Me leaving his side for even a moment sent him into an insecure frenzy from hell – not because I needed him but because he needed me. However the abuser’s version of this would be, “It’s dangerous up there I can’t protect you so you need to come back home now” and then of course there were the emotional abuse tag on “You know I could just be with any woman I want but I chose you” Nonsense! (Please know that if you are being slick threatened with your mate being with another man (or woman) that the action is already in play which brings us to another form of physical abuse – exposing your body to sexually transmitted diseases.)
I recall one incident where I had done something – perhaps breathed to deeply – and he felt the need to teach me a lesson. We were sitting in his truck (the $85,000.00 one that I never quite figured out how he purchased it) and he began to tell me that a young woman that he had introduced as his best friend had actually become his love and they were in love – but it was my fault that she had a chance to gain his heart because every time I messed up (you know breathed or something) she was there. I recall the feeling devastation, I mean after all I had just about lost everything I loved for him and there I sat with him asking me this question “So she is a part of this relationship now because you let her is and I am not going to hurt her just to make you happy” Well my menstrual cycle was on and I remember blood just beginning to gush out of me – my body was freaking out inside – I couldn’t cry on the outside because tears excited him and he would just become more torturous – but my body was in utter anguish as he spoke to me. When he was done with is scolding I stood to walk away and there was blood all over his seat and all over my pants – I was mortified but he burst into laughter and said “I can’t wait to get home and tell my mother about this it is the funniest thing I have ever seen!” I place my jacket on my car seat and drove home in tears. It was then that I realized that I was in an abusive relationship.
Let me pause for a moment and tell you all this one thing – I am not a stupid woman, in fact I am quite brilliant, even genius some might say and yet there I was willing subjecting myself to the musing of an abuser’s folly. I had witness my own mother be beaten repeatedly by her husband, so I recognized physical abuse but this thing that I has become tied to was disguised as the very thing I loved – words. I was often called stupid – which I know now was a sure sign that he recognized how smart I am. Stupid was his favorite shot at me because it pierced my pride and he knew it, but he had quite a few unhealthy and unholy words for me, let’s see if any of these sound familiar to you; fat, old, used up, immature, childish, weak, insecure, lazy, and dumb, just to name a few. And then there were the words that were actually true, but even when truth when spewed in hatred and anger are designed to cut you deep, and so her would hurl phrases like. “Ok SMART one”, “Alright PREACHER”, “Sure MOTHER of the year” all designed to make me horrible about anything in my life that would otherwise bring me joy. I paused to mention that fact that I am not a stupid woman for one reason only – I have to remind myself that I am a smart woman
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